May There Be Mountains: A Tribute to Ben Brown

1/16/21 (two days after death)

Dear Ben,

As I sit here in this world that has been stripped of you for a few days now, I am

desperately fighting against the idea that I’ll have to live without your physical

presence forever. I have so much I want to say, to feel. I want you to be honored in

death. I want your memory to be as strong as your life was. I want to hug you, to say

goodbye.

Most of all, I want this to be a dream. A nightmare like the ones of which I am so

familiar. Feeling so real, tangible, as it passes through my half conscious state,

but waking with the soothing realization that it was solely a dream. No effect on my

real life. I am waiting to wake, Ben.

This dream is different though. I have this eerie feeling. Creeping in on me from

every corner. Tip-toeing like a silent thief yet fully knowing I am staring wide-eyed at

it's face with terror. Shoving its knife of reality into my gut. Twisting. Slashing.

Promising me this is no dream. Exclaiming with deafening reverberation that you are

gone. Long gone.

I am refusing.

But I know it is right.

In my heart, I feel the truth of its claim weighting me like an anchor pulling me down to a never ending bottom.

Drowning...

Crying...

Pleading...

I go down.

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I always considered you to be a life partner, Ben. A friend forever. And,

although we were constantly searching for the thrill that makes life so sweet, I never

was ready for this. How could I be? What about climbing the petit? What about going to the Black Canyon to get on the classic routes there? What do I do with our plans for Yosemite? North Carolina trad? Mallorca? Bend? Zion? Mexico? We have 50 classic climbs to ascend. We have a wall to set up in our backyard. You were going to fix my car so I could sell it. We were going to hit the downhill runs in Telluride. We had dreams, Ben.

We were going to be friends forever. Endless adventures, fun, and love.

All I have to look at now is what we have already done. I’m glad this list is long,

and my life is brighter because of it. I have so many stories of us and don’t worry, I’m

writing them all down. They (and you) will live forever in my heart and online (I’ll

make sure to share you on the doc). Winston is next to me (remember when we got him

and Momo? We didn’t know which one to pick until they both ran to opposite sides of

the car, Momo to mine and Winston to yours, they decided for us). I’m going to love

him as much as you did. He’ll be with me and Momo until the day he is ready to come

meet you. I’ll always see your spirit in him.

I’m honored to be tasked with carrying your life in my heart, mind, and stories.

I only wish it didn’t have to be without you here. It's painful, Ben. Your friendship

meant the world to me. I am heartbroken and already lost. I have no idea how to live

without you. I don’t know what I believe about life and death, but my soul aches for

you to visit, to laugh with me, to believe in me, to brighten my day and lighten my

world. And while I carry your memory forever, I know you have a piece of me

wherever you are because, when you died, I felt it leave me. I hope it is as potent and

strong as my memory and my piece of you is.

I feel the anchor pulling me at all moments but still, I can’t believe you’re gone, Ben. I’ll miss you everyday.

With all the love I can muster, Rest in Peace Ben Brown. Whether it solely be in my internet-cloud or on a bookshelf, may our names be forever together:

Ben Brown & Jack Tangel

Your Best Friend, Your Roommate, Your Brother,

Jack